Conversations with Father (about men & dating)
- Me: I just watched a show about how successful (i.e. college educated) black women not getting married.
- Him: Why is that a show? What's the problem? A black woman is better off by herself than with a black man that will bring her down. There's no point in getting married unless it's about mutual love and respect.
- Me: Well a lot of the black men on the show said that the reason black women are single is because they expect too much.
- Him: Psh. Black women do not expect too much! What is a black woman supposed to do? She is educated. She has her life in order. And she is supposed to get with any old man because he didn't get his life together but still feels he is entitled to any woman he wants?
- Me: Well they said that you have to look at a man's potential.
- Him: That's what they want you to think so that you don't require anything in actuality from them. You look at who a man is. Not who he says he will be.
- Me: The show also talked about why a lot of men cheat. They said it's because women were not keeping them happy or not sexually doing what they want.
- Him: That's ridiculous. There's no reason for anybody to cheat. If a man is grounded then he will love his partner enough not to cheat.
- Me: They also said that you need to make a man feel like a man.
- Him: If I am a man then why would I need a woman to make me feel like a man?
- Me: I don't know.
- Him: A real man does not need a woman to make him feel like a man. He is a man, isn't he? Men who say that have an inferiority complex.
- Me: Well they were saying that they need to feel like they wear the pants in the relationship.
- Him: Look. A man does not feel threatened by anyone unless he does not have his own life together. And in that case he will be threatened whether a woman lays down and lets him walk all over him or if she makes more money or anything else.
Today is Becca’s baby shower. Becca is one of my childhood friends. I’ve known her since I was four years old. And she’s knocked up.
I know this is probably the wrong thing to say, but I don’t want to go. Becca is a bitch. I don’t even know why we’re friends anymore. She’s always had a bossy personality to be honest. And now that I’m 20 and going to college full time, I feel like we’re growing apart. We hardly have anything common anymore besides the history of our friendship. I’m in college, she never went. I work a part time job with 30+ hours a week, Becca wants to be a stay at home mom and let Brandon’s income take care of them. I’m not pregnant, she is. I’m not engaged, she is. I literally just feel like we only talk because we live in the same state now and I’ve known her since I was a little girl.
Besides the growing apart thing, Becca is kind of a cunt. And she’s very self-centered. She’s always been this way, and I used to always put up with it. But I feel too old for that shit. And I’m not going to allow her to talk down to me or treat me like shit anymore. I don’t have time for that. I don’t have time for people in my life who don’t deserve to be there. Period.
Becca and I got into an argument 2 months ago and she was really disrespectful and it hurt my feelings. She never apologized. Actually, I haven’t heard from her since that day two months ago. Becca feels like apologizing is beneath her. She’s never sorry for her actions. And today I’m expected to show up at her baby shower with a gift and to participate in the festivities merrily as if we’re besties.
I decided to go, for the sake of the baby; not for Becca. I already got a gift and I can’t return it. Plus, her unborn child didn’t do anything to me. And anything I get for the baby won’t be really for Becca anyway. It will be used to take care of Anabelle. Fucking shit. What a stupid and hideous name……I’m going to go and stay for maybe an hour, even though it’s about a 3 hour event. And after this baby shower, I’m not going to call or text Becca. I’m tired of her shit. Fuck this baby shower.
Mostly just fuck Becca.
Last night was interesting. I went on post to smoke hookah with Dave and I invited my friend Bri. Dave kept telling me how badly he wanted me to meet his 6 brothers. (Okay, just an fyi…..none of them are really related. I think it’s a military/Air Force/Army thing. Dave feels really close to his friends so he calls them his brothers. It’s super fucking sketch, but whatever.) I felt weird about meeting his friends so soon. I mean we’re not together officially yet and we just started hanging out as more than friends. I was worried it might be a little soon to meet the brothers, you know? Anyways, we all had a great time. We all drank vodka, scotch, margaritas, and Old Turkey ( I drank everything but the Old Turkey shit. It looked like a hangover in a bottle. This fuckin Southern kid named Frenchie brought it. Also, Frenchie isn’t his first name. It’s his last name. #MilitaryThing) I got pretty drunk pretty fast, and I had a great time with his friends. They were all really nice and they all liked me and Briana.
Later that night I got hungry so Bri drove us to the shoppette that was still open on post. I was too drunk to drive, but Bri was completely sober. We got food and headed back to the Air Force barracks for more hookah. Anyways, 30 minutes after getting back to the barracks, I realized that my keys were missing. And I started freaking out and asking everyone if they had seen them. Of course everyone said no. So then Bri and this guy named Kim helped me look for them. Bri saw how panicked I was and offered to drive back to the shoppette. And Kim, Dave’s friend rode along too. Kim is a guy btw. The whole fucking time Dave just sat there and continued drinking back at the barracks. It was like my keys situation wasn’t his problem. Anyways, we went to the shoppette and then looked inside and then came back to the car. When Kim and I got back in the car, Bri had found my keys underneath the seat of her car on my side. I was so happy. I really appreciated both Kim and Bri’s help. We drove back to the barracks and Dave was waiting outside in the parking lot.
The first thing he said when I got out the car was “Oh cool. You found them.” By this time, all the guys, Bri and this one Air Force girl had gathered in the parking lot. And I sorta just lost it. I told him he was no help at all and he sucked. I was so angry and drunk. I was a complete fucking mess. And I told him I was angry that his friend helped me find my keys instead of him. And he fucking told me he didn’t help me find my keys because he knew I was wasted and he thought I was just rambling or something. I guess he didn’t think it was a serious problem or he didn’t think I really lost my car keys. He thought maybe I had set them somewhere and was too drunk to remember. And that really made me angry. Like motherfucker….why would I pretend freak out about losing my keys? That shit is serious. Ugh. I was so pissed off. And being intoxicated didn’t help.
I told Dave I wanted to go to bed “now” and I gave him a look. And he just said okay. He knew not to argue with me right there. So we both said goodnight to everyone. I was sweet to the guys. I mean they were cool the whole night. Dave was just being a dickhead. And then Bri drove home because she was fine and sober.
I got to Dave’s dorm room and didn’t say anything. We got ready for bed. He brushed his teeth and I put on my pj’s when he was in the bathroom. I then came into the bathroom as he finished brushing his teeth. We just looked at each other in the mirror for a good 12 seconds. And then he came up behind me and held me. And he kissed all over the back of my neck and kept saying sorry. He told me that he should have taken my situation more seriously. I was just so mad that I didn’t say anything as he kissed me on my neck from behind for a second or two. And then for some reason I just got emotional and I started tearing up. And my voice croaked and I explained to him that I don’t need another man not caring about me. I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t make me a priority. He just just kept kissing my neck and holding onto my hips. He told me he was so sorry and that he wouldn’t do that ever again. Never ever again. He told me that he fully intended to treat me better than the last guy did. He doesn’t know much about Jon except that I loved Jon and I always felt neglected and unappreciated in our relationship. And that that Jon would say he wanted me, but would never really try to make the long distance thing work.
I was still pretty frustrated and tears were spilling from my eyes at this point. And then he did something so damn unexpected. He pulled me closer to him, put his face and lips into my neck, and reached down into my panties from the front and touched me. We’ve only been kissing thus far so I was so surprised. And then, I sorta just became un-angry with each stroke. I just melted into him. And then he picked me up and set me on his bathroom counter and snatched my panties off. And he ate me out right there on the bathroom counter. And let’s just say there was no way I could hold onto my anger anymore. After I came he picked me up and carried me to his bed. And then, some other good shit happened. Um, that’s all I’ll say about that. Oh fuck….talk about an apology…
In the morning, I woke up naked and he was snoring. I know he usually sleeps late and I wake up every morning around 5:30am. I layed in bed for a couple of hours waiting for him to get up. And I texted a few of my friends who were awake. And then around 7 I went to Burger King to get breakfast. Dave said he didn’t want anything. After I ate, I came back and crawled into bed. Everything was fine, except I felt lonely. He sleeps as if he’s a single guy. Which I guess he is. But I didn’t like that when I laid next to him he wouldn’t touch me. And I couldn’t get him to hold me or cuddle with me. And it made me sad. I know I shouldn’t compare Dave to Jon like this, but whenever I spent the night with Jon, he made me feel special during the night AND in the morning. I never had to tell him what I needed. He was just so attentive all the time. And with Dave this morning, I felt cheap and lonely. I felt like what we did was un-special. I mean there’s a difference between intimacy and getting someone off. There just is. And I know I woke up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday, but I just wanted to be held. Even if Jon was sleepy, there was never a fucking moment when I couldn’t just slide into his arms and he wouldn’t grip me. I always felt important, special, and whole after a night with Jon. I guess with Jon, whenever we did stuff, it didn’t end when the sexual activity ended. He’d talk to me and kiss me and hold me and sometimes touch me even though he was tired himself.
And I woke Dave up and freaked out on him. I told him, I’m never sleeping over again and that I knew he thought I was a whore! I mean now that I think about it, I totally sketched out back there. He looked so confused. Poor guy. And I told him that he didn’t make me feel special and I felt ignored. After looking confused for a moment he just mumbled something and rolled back over with his back to me. I got dressed really fast and just left. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t angry at Dave for not holding me this morning. I mean, I do want to be held and cuddled and coddled the morning after. That is important. But I also know that my reaction wasn’t about that. I wasn’t mad at Dave just for not being affectionate enough this morning. I was mad because although last night was good….he couldn’t possibly make me feel the way Jon used to make me feel. And that’s not his fault. I can’t expect him to be Jon. I’m not being fair. He doesn’t even know what the problem really is.
And rather than explaining that to him I just shoved my keys in the ignition and drove home. When I got home I checked my phone and saw 4 texts along the lines of “Babe, come back” and “I don’t understand why you’re mad”. I even had a missed call. I texted him and told him I would talk to him later and then I threw my phone on my bed. My phone made a clinking noise as it hit my keys that were on the bed.